On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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