miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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