your parents love me but you hate me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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