u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize