Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
