I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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