Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We need to get me chipped asap
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize