I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
