I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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