it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I need a beard to bite.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
