Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
