yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
