my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
