we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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