FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
