I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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