She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
