we made out on top of his cat.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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