I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
