My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
