you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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