I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize