Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
