So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Houston, we have a squirter
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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