Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
