matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
