I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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