She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
