I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
