I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
