I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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