those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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