I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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