Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
it's like heaven, but drunker
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
