Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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