I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
