do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
