I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
