I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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