Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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