somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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