I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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