plz talk dirty to me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
