Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have aggressive nipples.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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