My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
