I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
