I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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