youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
