mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
