Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
